| Not that anyone reads mine n e more...but heres a poem I wrote... |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|06:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Fragile Eyes
The eyes of a woman
hides the soul of a girl.
Alone and cold,
Falling apart she cries.
The loving touch of another feels so foreign.
She tries to love,
but falls short.
Her heart attached,
it breaks a little more each day.
She tries to flee,
run away, escape.
Being alone with her thoughts is poison.
So many thoughts,
the confusion,
it's killing her.
Every night is a fight for her life,
No body knows the truth.
Her Saint holds her close,
tells her it will all get better.
The Phoenix will rise from the ashes.
With loving eyes,
she looks at him.
Suddenly she's not so alone,
she can feel the cold getting slightly warmer.
Nothing in this world can truly take the pain away.
She's just happy that someone cares enough to try.
Behind her fragile eyes,
there is a strength.
Wise and silent,
she waits patiently.
It can't rain all the time...
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2009|08:54 pm] |
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| |  determined | ] |
I did something i'm not fucking proud of today. I won't say what,but it involves invading privacy. I relized now, how much he loves me. He'd die for me if I let him. This came to late and now he's gone. I just hope his love doesn't die. I need to have faith that it will all work out. Although I can't just sit here and wait. He wouldn't want that. I wouldn't want that for him either. I just hope he doesn't lose faith. Until then I have to live. I have to better myself for my future. Here are my plans for the next 4 years:
1. finish my associates degree
2. get a damn job
3. keep said job
4. save money
5. get a place
6. join the national guard
I know i've made such a big stink about the military, but I need shit to occupy my time. I know I need to live for me and not for him, but I want this badly. I'm going to fight for what I want. I don't want my Bipolar to get the worst of me EVER again. I need to be an adult. I need to do things for me. I don't want to be like this. I'm losing my mind with out him and i'm losing my mind just sitting here. I now realize how bad I hurt him and how he felt because i'm feeling the way he used to. I know why he didn't cry when he left...he was out of tears. He spent months crying over me and everything that happend. I have to keep strong and just hope for the best. I know if he really and truely loves me, he won't wander off with out me. I want to make this right...I want my fucking life back. I need him in my life. I need to change for me, for us, for him. I do need help. I need my friends to keep me strong, help me with my goals and tell me it will all get better from here. God please let this work! I've never wanteed anything more in my life! |
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| I fucked it all up... |
[May. 21st, 2009|12:46 pm] |
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| |  depressed | ] |
I fucked everything up! I'm a fucking mess right now! I'm, for some reason, afraid he wont write me or call me when he gets his phone back. I'm afraid he'll find a new love or just forget me. I don't know why I'm so terrified. I think it's because I don't want to be overly optimistic. Then again my mom is a fuckig downer. She does nothing, but bully him and tell me after four years apart it's probably not going to happen. My friends take a different light however. They are all pretty sure we'll be together in the end. I hope it works out that way. I feel sick all of the time. I've lost a lot of weight since the week before he left. I'm sad...I can't help that. I really wish I'd hear from him. He hasn't even been able to call his mom. I don't know when i'll get a letter or when he will be able to call. I've written him everyday since he left. I have them stock piled in an envelope since I don't have his address yet. I just think about all of the should'a, could'a, would'a crap and all of the what ifs. I know I can't do that to myself because i'll just feel worse then I do now. If Travis knew about this blog I think he'd be upset with me. I can't change the past...I can only make the future better. I just hope he wants me back. I hated the person I was and I could never imagine going back to that person. I hurt a lot of people and I hate myself for it. I hurt Joe pretty badly. I didn't tell him how I really felt about Travis when I really should have. It wasn't fair to him or me. I fucked up really bad and now Joe won't talk to me at all. He's hurt and feels like I used him or something. I can't help how I feel and that's that. There is nothing I can do about that. Well i'm going to go distract my mind with something. Please call the cell if you want. Once I get Travis's address I will be sending out e-mails for everyone.
P.S. - I wish the Air Force didn't exist! |
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| Leaving the fire behind |
[May. 7th, 2009|11:56 am] |
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| |  bitchy | ] |
Since starting my medication and having it finally do it's job I have been able to think clearly for a little bit. I'm about to say something so obviouse you'll think about smacking me the next time you see me. "Nothing can be fixed if I just sit back and watch it fall to pieces!" *Shoulda had a V8!*
I know...sometimes I'm a bit slow when it comes to realizing shit that any one would have months ago. Well, since realizing this I got to thinking. (Ooooo scary thought) I need to stop holding back just because I don't want to hurt someones feelings. Obviously I don't mean going around just blaitently being a bitch. I mean that if im not happy with something in my life then fix it...even if that means someone may get inavoidably hurt. I can't just live an unhappy, miserable existance to make the rest of the world happy can I? Absofuckinglutly not! So with stupid things such as, but not limited to Travis leaving. He's leaving, period. There is nothing I can do about it. So why bother trying? I'll miss him and everyone knows that, but I need to realize that this is for the greater good. We can develop as people and he can fix some of the things that are going wrong in his life. I need to just let this shit go. Hmm what else? I think that about covers this weeks epiphany. Im sure there will be others, but until then I am returning to my blogging hiatus. Thanks a Bunch!
P.S. - yeah yea spelling mistakes. Im tired and go fuck your self! I got up at ass o'clock today.
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| When your brain is on re-wind and fast forward at the same time... |
[Feb. 28th, 2009|09:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
So tonight didn't go all to well. Krista had an anxiety attack for the first time since November. It was a bad one. I was fine and feeling great and then out of fucking left field on comes the nausea. It went down hill from there. Imagine your thoughts going in re-wind and fast forward at the same time. Not only does it make you nauseous...it fucks you up. I hate it.
Well that being said I have completed week one of my first 2 classes and have gotten an A on all of my papers. Woot! Go me! I forgot how intelligent i can be when I shut off the rest of the world and really focus on my classes. I actually told my enrollment adviser the classes are too easy for me. Yeah I SAID THAT! I'm not as stupid as I appear to some.
I'm becoming really good at letting all of the drama slide off my back. It's getting easier for me. I have come to realize that all of you who believe I AM the fire starter don't really know the facts here. Do I bring the drama? Sure. Occasionally, it happens to the best of us. Am I the one that brings it all of the time? Fuck No! I have people telling me he said/she said bullshit all of the time. Therefore it is not me that causes all of your turmoil in life. So please...don't point fingers. I'm just the messenger. Because of that fact, I'm just keeping my mouth shut.
One thing I would like to address is all of you who have doubt in me. I know I have fucked up and I intend to fix it. Those of you who think i can't, have your own daemons to be fighting. Hypocritical actions will get you no where. They just make you look stupid. So check your self and then get back to me.
I see my psychiatrist on Friday. I'm starting new medication. It's amazing how difficult it is to WANT to get the help you need. You know you need it, but because you can't fucking function you really have to make your self go get it. Since we are on the topic of my crazy let me say this...I heard through the grape vine that some of you thought I was blaming the soap opera that is my life solely on my Bipolar disorder. WRONG! Mind you this was back in October, but it still counts to me. Like I have said 1000 times before...it plays a hand, but im not sitting here telling you my crazy made me do it. I know what I did and I take full blame for it. Now im not trying to start anything...I just needed to get that off my chest. Until you know what it's like to feel the way I feel I don't expect you to understand it. All in all...I don't like feeling the way I do, I don't like the things it pushes me to do and I most certainly DO NOT like living this way! If I wasn't Bipolar would I have done any of the fucked up things I did? Sure! Only difference is...I would have thought about my decisions sooner and learned from my mistakes a hell of a lot quicker. See what I mean when I say "plays a hand"? Never once have I blamed my crap on it. I'm not mad...just a little hurt by it is all.
I think that about sums it up for me. I'll keep anyone who is interested updated on my progress in class.
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| Picking up te pieces... |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|10:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
Ok so I lied...I guess I will keep writing blogs, but I can tell you one thing...they wont be the same old bull shit I usually write about.
I'm starting to get used to the idea that I have lost so many people in my life. It sucks I will admit, but those of you that are still around are the ones that matter to me. You understand that people make mistakes and you can't judge me for them. I know I have done some really fucked up things and I am sincerely trying to right my wrongs. It will take time I know, but I am willing to do this.
It's going to be a hard week for me due to no medication, but I have to persevere. I dont want to lose sight of what truly is important in my life. I thank all of you that are still around even though I kind of spit on a few of you. You can see that I am not a bad or horrible person. You understand that I am a person who made mistakes and now it is up to me to fix them. I started college, im working on my decision making, im trying to improve my quality of life. I got some bad advice from an idiot last year. I started putting my self first...making sure that I was ok before anyone else and well that kind of fucked me up. I lived 20 years putting people before me and although I got walked on everything was in perfect balance. Then I tried this whole Me first bull shit and well now im a horrible person for it. So that is the end of taking advice on life matters for me. Im learning when to put my foot down and when to not. Its taking some time, but im sure i will get the swing of it.
Well im off to bed...I've been cranky all day and everything is really getting to me suddenly. So on that note Im off. Thank you.
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| My week thus far... |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|12:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
This blog is going to bounce back and forth so bear with me here...
The only good news I have to share is im going to college. I enrolled today and I star classes on February 23rd. Im getting my Associates of Art in Psychology. Im very excited about this. Eventually Id like to go back for my doctorate.
This is the only good news I have.
In another note...
I'm cutting people off! I have opened my home to so many of you, i've driven a lot of you to a lot of places, I've lent a lot of you money, bought a lot of things because you wanted them and I wanted to help you...very few of you appreciate the things I have done. Some of you still owe my mother money for rent...if I really wanted to I could charge you damages to my home. You have no idea how much time and money it took to re-do my basement, but i'll let it go. We pulled 28 BB's out of the wall, fixed 31 holes, replaced 3 doors, had to repaint, need to get a bed fixed, have to get our carpets cleaned, get an antique trunk re-finished, took out 9 bags of garbage, replace a cabinet glass window pane, and replace items the were broken or stolen. This is rediculose! My mother and I were nice enough to let people stay here and this is how we are repayed? Im the unappreciative one? So on that note...no one is to live with me ever again unless we share an apartment and you have a job, you pay half the rent etc. So unless you are Joanna, Casey or Brenda then I'm sorry...im tired of opening my home to unappreciative ass holes! This note was directed at a select few of you. If you have never lived with me and/or usually give me gas money or have actually offered to help with the basement then no this does not apply.
And another thing...
I will be the first to admit that I have done some pretty fucked up things. I know what I did wasn't right and my reasons for doing them don't justify them, but to tell me im a horrible person and that im an unappreciative, backstabbing, bitch is just fucked up! I have lied about things and I have cheated on people, but I learn from my mistakes. If I didn't then yes I would be a horrible person. I guarantee that most of the population has done one if not both of these things in their life. That includes 100% of the people I consider friends. So before you judge me maybe you should take a long, hard look in the mirror. One thing im not is a hypocrite. Im not going to sit here and tell people how horrible they are for telling me the truth about something because I know I can't throw stones...I wont sink to that level because im a better person. My point is...im tired of the drama...regardless if this is "Self Manifested" and im tired of being fucking walked on. Im sorry I bother people with my problems...I thought that was the point of having friends. Im begining to understand why Bryan just shuts him self off...he dosn't want to deal with everyone's problems if no one is willing to listen to his. So...in closing im not going to listen to you whine if you wont take the time to listen to me. This is going to be my final blog.
My feelings just don't seem important to most of you any more. I know who my real friends are and thats all the matters to me. I don't know how i became the enemy in this whole thing. This wasn't 100% my fault. It was both of us...so fine then. If you don't want to be bothered with me then id appreciate you not talking to me or about me. If you care to talk to me then you'll call. When all of you guys come home from the military im not expecting phone calls...I just hope you make it home alive. Good luck and to a few of you... you're fucking welcome! |
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| Im sorry...here is my apology (everyone please read...even if we arn't talking currently) |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|02:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Covenant - ritual noise | ] |
I'm feeling a strong sense of guilt today. I had a very strange dream last night about people who hate each other getting along at... wouldn't you know...a LARP! By the end of said dream I ended up commiting suicide. I woke up kind of alarmed. I decided to look it up in my dreamer's dictionary. Apparently the enemies getting a long was to indicate that there is a chance for friendship and me commiting suicide means I need a change. It also said that I should seek professional help which we all know to be true.
Because of this I started feeling guilty for all of the things I have done to friends and such over the past few years. So I want to personally apologise to some of you even though I know we arn't speaking Id like to think at some point you'll read this.
Travis - You know what im sorry for. I regret many of my actions over the last 4 years. I want to learn to express my self better and be a better person. We have both made mistakes, but in the end that is all in the past.
Bryan - I don't even know how to apologise to you. The way I felt for you was true...I just think I wasn't mature enough to face the fact that my love of the last 4 years was falling apart and took it out on you. I should have figured out my life first before ever getting you involved. I hurt Travis deeply, made you hate me and pissed off a lot of people. I don't know if you could ever forgive me, but at least know that I am truly sorry. Also, if we ever are friends again...I won't get so deep in your life again. I've made my mistakes with you and said what I needed to say. Not going to blame it all on this, but my bipolar had a hand in my actions. I hope I am a better person with my meds. Im sorry I put you through what I did.
Nate - We've been long distance friends for years and I never call you. Im sorry. Ive been so out of it im not really fond of the phone. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I hope my neglect hasn't effected us too much!
Saint - I probably should have made more of an effort to come see you. I hope we can rectify this situation and maybe one day I will tell you that thing I was going to tell you. Haha!
Katie - I know, I suck...big time! We've been friends since 5 and we never hang out. Aside from that the one time I talk to you in months I come right out and offend you religiously. Im sorry.
Noah - Yeah, you hate me I know. I never called when I said I would...ever. Im sorry, but I know that dosnt mater now.
Chris K - Well you know what im sorry for and that's really all that matters.
Amanda - Youre another one I never call enough. I hope I can see you when youre home from school.
Pam - I never call you either and never stop by and never go to illusions. im sorry. I hope I can get my life back one of these days.
Dad - Im sorry I don't call as often as I should. Ill try and be a better daughter.
Kim - I noticed the last few times I have come to visit I really don't talk to you. Id really like to change that.
Jimmy - I blew off your daughter for the guitar hero game...I have to make it up to Holly! That and I know I have weaseled out of many a ghost hunt with you...we must change that.
Joe - I didn't mean to treat you the way I did. We have had many conversations about this...I just hope you know how sorry I am.
Jess - Im sorry I wasn't more open minded and understanding. I regret much of what I have said to you.
Stacy - Your another one I dont call or see.
Dawn and Shawn - Yeah you guys think I suck too. Let the records show that I miss you! Id like to fix this.
Mike - I havn't talked to you in forever and now you think I hate you. Well I don't.
JD - I know I said I wanted to talk more and have yet to call. Im sorry.
Corey and Deana - We are slowly fixing the gap.
Anyone else I didn't name...let it be known that im sorry I don't call or come to see you. Im really trying to get my life and my friends back. I hope everyone can put all of this behind them and try to start over with me. One last chance to prove my self...thats all im asking for. After that, you can write me off forever if I blow it. I love you all and Im sorry for the way I have been acting. |
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| The Christians and the Pagans getting involved in Christmayule!! Bad Idea!! |
[Dec. 16th, 2008|11:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
In my last blog I kind of over stepped the line of religious tolerance in to religious in tolerance. I apologise. I didnt check my facts on the statistics of holiday suicide rates. It's a widely believed "fact" that many people commit suicide during the winter Holidays. Apparently that is wrong...Suprisingly Spring is worse.
For the record I would like to state that I have never once said that I am so well versed in "mental Illness". Anything I have said concerning Bipolar or any other disorder I have read in books or have been told to me by people who have bipolar, doctors and the like. I never said I HAD Bipolar. That is for my doctor and psychologist to decide. So far the verdict is yes I do. My father and his sister both have it so therefore it is more likely that I my self have it. I have never been one to self diagnose my self or any one else. I may share my opinion, but I am no doctor and still suggest they see a doctor. So far any time I have given my two cents I have been right, but that dosnt mean I am a doctor. It almost feels like im being told by people I care about that my "issues" so to speak are nothing more then self manifest. Trust me...my b/f, mother, father and many close friends and even my doctor were the very first to point t out. I didnt even notice until it got so bad it began consuming my life. Now that that is out there on to my actual point of said "Web Log".
Christianity makes no sense to me no matter who explains it. In my eyes it's silly. Why would I want to believe in a god out of fear? This is not to say others don't find Paganism/Wicca or agnosticism to be silly.To each their own. This is why there is more then 1 religion. Some one said "Hmmm I don't think I like what Jesus has to say. Id change this, this, and this." Said person created a new religion and so on and so forth. People I personally know have made their own religions. They may not be widely recognised, but that is what they believe in. Just because I find a fault in some one or something dosnt mean I dont have any faults of my own.
I just believe the Christmas has become very commercialized. Maybe my friend of 16 years is right. Maybe it is the non Christians fault...who knows! I will say that I had no personal part in making it that way. I find it disrespectful that Christmas has become the way it is. To my knowledge it was about the birth of the Christian "Lord" and to bring your fellow man closer together. Now it's about Santa and presents. Its nothing more then a gluttonous and greedy holiday. Thats horrible. That was my only point.
If you really want to get down to the nitty gritty of it all I could sit here and say that Jesus and the like where nothing more then a bunch of unimaginative thieves, but I wont do that. Many Christian traditions were taken from the Pagan religion such as Christmas trees, yule logs, mistletoe, and carols. Pagans where sinners in the eyes of the "lord" so why did they take them in the first place? Sure they have made a few adjustments, but in the end those ideas where not theres alone.
Religion is a tough argument...everyone has a different opinion on the matter. My mother is an Atheist and she grew up in a Christian house hold, my father is Irish Catholic and that is how he grew up, my boyfriend is Agnostic yet grew up in a Catholic home. I grew up in a religious free environment and have formed my own ideals. None of which were instilled in me as a child and that is how I intend to raise my future kids. Whatever my kids choose as a religion is up to them as long as they do it safe. I will how ever teach them to be tolerant of others beliefs no matter how strange some may be to them. I truly do apologise if I offended any one. This was not my intent.
Im sure some of you could spend an entire day talking about how ridiculous Paganism is and if you so choose to do it nicely. |
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| I am doll parts... |
[Dec. 15th, 2008|08:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
I'm in a very strange mood today...not quite happy, not quite sad. Kind of numb actually. This is a new one for me.
I woke up early today and have accomplished so very little. I did my Christmas cards, drove mom to her doctors appointment, went to wal mart...I guess small accomplishments are something none the less.
My weight is suddenly bothering me again. Yes there was a minute or two where my weight didnt bother me lol. Ive put on roughly 10 pounds in the last few months. Its enough to make my pants not fit. People tell me they don't notice, but I think they are full of it. I don't know whos telling the truth and who is lying to keep me from screaming that im fat. I suppose white lies are ok, although I prefer the truth instead.
I just have so many things id like to get off my chest, but im not really sure how to express my self at the moment. Usually im pretty good at writing, but im just not working right today. Yes ladies and gentlemen I am broken.
So in lieu of having a some what organized blog im just going to puke all over the place and leave it up to my readers to place it together.
Ever notice how fun it is to say the word lieu? It sounds foreign. The funny thing is that word dosn't have an interesting definition. It couldnt be something cooler then "in place of". It's still fun to say, but I would deffinatly make it mean something way better,
I find it insulting when some one tries to be like me. People say mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery, but I just simply find it pathetic and insulting. How can one person be some lame that they cant find them selves so they copy a friend? Or those people who pretend to be something they aren't so they will be better liked? How retarded. If someone doesn't like you then move the fuck on! Ahh! Oh and the people that really piss me off are the ones who think it's fun to have a "mental illness". Depression, bipolar, BPD...all those things are not fun so stop pretending that you have something wrong with you so you dont feel left out!! I would never wish this on my worst enemy! Cut it out damn it!
Lately im finding my self wanting to be alone in every sense of the word. Im finding human contact to be so very unpleasant. Granted I love my friends and family and what not, but I just cant help, but want to be alone. I don't even go in to restaurants any more. People are fucking gross! Like today I sat next to this old lady in the doctors office that smelled like mystic aquarium! I mean c'mon! Don't people smell them selves before leaving the house? Take a fucking shower!
Blog, Blogging, Blogger...what a gay ass word! How did web log become blog in the first place? Are people that lazy they have to come up with some gay terminology for web log? its only 2 letters shorter! Are two fucking letters going to make you late? Really? If you are so late for everything then maybe you shouldn't be web fucking logging in the first place!! Ah I hate people! Cram those 2 extra letters up your ass generation y!!
On another note...
I miss my old life horribly! I've lost friends and relationships and jobs...it makes me a little sad inside. It hurts to remember a time when I was nothing, but smiles, could hold a job and was never home on a saturday night. What happened to us guys? Did we really all drift apart that badly? Maybe one day everything will be back to normal. Gee Joanna...Tell me the truth here...do you think I have the balls to accomplish the things I said I was going to? What I said would happen by the time you get back to CT probebly wont happen because I lack man testicles!
Hello kitty is really starting to piss me off! Im sorry Jessica, but I've seen more then enough of that little white cat! She was cute for a little while, but now I question her integrity! I was told she has no mouth because she speaks from the heart...no the stupid little cat knows nobody wants to hear her talk! I can only imagine the cheerleader dribble that would come out of her mouth! She probably has penis breath too! Choco Cat has to be getting it from some where! I mean they created the Hello Kitty vibrator! Sorry, my rant on Hello Kitty is over!
I hope you guys cherish this WEB LOG!! It's a rare day when im some what amusing.
I forgot to thank the world for global warming. Im enjoying this unseasonably warm weather and it's only at the expense of polar bears, ice caps, rain forests, and cute little confused birds and squirrels! Thanks again population! You've done it again! Mother nature owes you a hand job!
It's Christmas time again and we all know what that means...the suicide rate increases by 20%! Yay baby jesus! Thanks for population control that you so cleverly hid by calling it a holiday! There is no better way to celebrate the birth of our lord then jumping off the side of a building! This is why I am not a religious person...Christmas has become so commercialized. I've never been full of faith, but c'mon! Christianity = EPIC FAIL!!!!
This New Years I have decided to spend it alone. I don't see the point in ringing in the new year with boyfriends and friends any more. It's just January 1st...all it is is another excuse for people to get tanked. After this year being as bad as it's been I'd rather sit at home and await the atrocity that is 2009! I might go to a party or something, but I doubt it. All New Years does is cause a ton of car accidents because people are too fucking stupid to know that driving drunk is a bad thing. It dosnt make you cool...it just makes more work for emt's! Thanks for ruining the holiday for doctors and emts 'cause we all know how much they just love picking up your brain matter off the high way! Stay at home and drink you stupid fucks!
Well that is all I have for right now. Enjoy and leave comments...maybe even start a rant of your own. |
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